Mike the Vegetarian
by KeepingUpDisappearances
Summary: Mike Stivic shocks Archie when he decides to be a vegetarian. Archie thinks Mike's liberal views are bad enough, but he declares vegetarianism to be completely un-Biblical. Archie holds a BBQ to spite 'Meathead', who finds a way to turn the tables. Partially inspired by the 'Simpsons' episode 'Lisa the Vegetarian'. Told in TV script form.
1. Act I

**Note:**

AS=Archie Bunker; EB=Edith Bunker; MS=Mike Stivic; GS=Gloria Stivic

* * *

 **[shots of the Bunkers' neighborhood as theme song plays; title appears near end]**

Archie: Boy, the way Glen Miller played

Edith: Songs that made the hit parade

Archie: Guys like us, we had it made

Archie/Edith: Those were the days

Edith: And you knew who you were then

Archie: Girls were girls and men were men

Archie/Edith: Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again

Archie: Didn't need no welfare state

Edith: Everybody pulled their weight

Archie/Edith: Gee, our old LaSalle ran great, those were the days!

[fade out]

[fade in: Archie, Edith, Gloria and Mike sitting around the table in the Bunkers' dining room for dinner].

AB: Hey, Meathead, why aren't you having any pot roast? We made extra for you and Gloria. If you don't have your share, I'll be forced to eat the leftovers, and I'll get obtuse. Then Dr. Sharprio will never stop buggin' me about it and he'll get Edith all worked up.

MS (confused): …obtuse?

AB: Yanno, too big around the middle.

MS: Oh, you mean obese.

AB: Can your science talk, Meathead. Go on, have some pot roast.

MS (wary): Actually, Arch', I've decided to become a vegetarian.

AB (disgusted): What! You mean, one of dem fruits who don't eat no meat?

MS (resigned to AB's attitude): Yes, Arch.

EB : Oh, I don't think it's so bad. My cousin Thelma's best friend's sister was a vegetarian. Her name was Iris! You don't hear that name much no more [ _AB_ mimes hanging himself as she prattles on]. I remember a potluck Iris had. It was all vegetarian but nobody missed the meat except for Iris's brother. He said it wasn't natural for nobody. And—

AB: That's right. [he points a fork at MS]. Listen, Meathead, God gave us this here cow, and every other animal, to eat. Well, almost every animal. You don't want to eat dem squirrels. They taste horrible. God meant us to be cardinals.

GS (mischievously): Cardinals? Do you mean the bird or the Catholic officials?

AB: Stop the smart talk, little girl. I mean, The Man Upstairs wants us to eat meat.

EB: Oh, I think you mean 'carnivore', Archie. My Aunt Iola learned that when she went to Africa many years ago. She said the guide was talkin' about how much meat the lions eat. She saw a lion kill a zebra and—

[to AB's relief, MS interrupts EB]

MS: Sorry to interrupt, Ma, but Gloria and I want to get down to that new Japanese market before it closes. They have a lot of nice vegetarian foods there.

AB (incredulous): Why would you go runnin' to buy food from dem Japs? It's un-American! Don't you know what dem Japs did in World War II, dingbat?

MS: I know about Pearl Harbor, Arch'. It was bad. But I don't think Americans had any room to after that—we just went and obliterated Hiroshima and Nagasaki with hardly a thought for the consequences.

[AB looks livid. GS hurries MS to the front door]

GS (to MS): Let it go, Mike. You know it's impossible to change Pa's mind.

AB (off-screen, sarcastic): Have fun at the Jap market, Meathead.

[fade to commercial]

* * *

A few author's notes:

The political views expressed by the characters are for entertainment only. I'm not trying to make any statement.

I got the cover image off of Google search. I am NOT claiming it as mine or making any profits from using it for my story.


	2. Act IIFinale

[fade in to Archie's Place; AB is behind the bar, talking to Harry Snowden (HS)]

HS: This vegetarian thing is really bothering you, isn't it, Arch'?

AB: Yeah! I don't understand this at all! You know, all of dem heroes of the good old US of A ate meat! George Washington didn't earn our freedom while munchin' on a celery stick! You know, I bet JFK was vegetarian and that's why he couldn't stay alive none after he went and got himself shot!

HS (annoyed): Are you going to complain about this all night? You don't like much of what the 'Meathead' does. I mean, _come on!_

AB: Ain't I gotta right to complain about my fag-sympathizin', feminism-pushing, race equality totin'—

HS (quickly): I'm gonna organize the stock room, Arch'.

AB: Don't tell me I offended you now, too!

HS: I'm not offended. I'm just tired of hearing you whining about Mike.

AB: There's a lot to whine about. He's a—

HS (obviously having heard this many times): -communist pinko.

AB: Ya'no, I have to stand up to his liberal ideas! I'm gonna hold a barbeque! A damn good American barbeque!

[fade out]

[fade in to the Bunkers' backyard; AB is grilling as EB, GS, MS, and _guests_ look on].

MS: I don't believe you, Arch'! There's nothing wrong with holding a barbeque for friends—even if I don't agree with eating meat. But to do it out of _spite?_

AB: You's got to learn, Meathead! Eating meat is what made us humans at the top of the food chain!

MS: You're unbelievable! You eat meat just to feel big?

AB: Yeah! But meat also tastes good. It's a lot better than salads and kung-fu.

GS: …kung-fu?

AB: Yeah, that gross, wiggly white stuff Mike got at the Jap market!

GS: Oh, _tofu_. And stop saying 'Jap'!

AB (dismissive): Whatever. Meat is the best option, am I right? [he looks around at the guests]

There are murmurs of both dissent and agreement among the _GUESTS_.

MS: Come on, Gloria, let's go to the Japanese grocery.

GS: _Why?_

MS: I'll explain on the way.

[fade out as MS & GS exit and the remaining Bunkers and guests interact].

[fade in to Bunker residence. MS & GS step through front door; it is raining. The guests are crowded in the Bunkers' living room; the barbeque food has been brought indoors].

HS (friendly): Oh good, Mike, you're back. Hey, I wanted to commend you on sticking with your vegetarian diet, even though Archie is being a pain about it.

MS: It gets easier after a while. He just becomes background noise.

AB: Aw, stifle it, Meathead! You see, Harry? He'll never learn that eating vegetarian is for chumps.

MS: Well Arch, I don't think being vegetarian is bad. But meat probably tastes better, which is why I've decided to bring something good to this barbeque. I shouldn't expect salad at a barbeque. Gloria?

[GS enters from off-stage, carrying a plate of—meatballs?]

MS: Here's meatballs! Gloria found this recipe in the _Reader's Digest_!

EB comes forward to look at the meatballs.

EB: Oh, my, what can't the _Reader's Digest_ do? I remember five years ago when I forgot to soften the butter to make Christmas cookies. Of course, I couldn't make dough with those hard sticks of butter. So, I looked through all of my recipe books, but there was nothing about soften'in the butter. But then I sees the _Reader's Digest_ on the table, and on the cover it reads 'top tips for Christmas bakers', and—

 _AB_ manages to interrupt.

AB: Aw, stifle it, dingbat. Well, let's try these. [he eats a meatball] Well, this…is…the best meatball I've ever had!

 _MS_ & _GS_ look surprised and happy to see that _AB_ likes the meatballs. _EB, HS_ and the guests join in and offer various compliments.

HS (joking): what's the secret ingredient, Gloria?

GS (as MS begins to laugh uncontrollably): Why, it's tofu!

AB: Aw, tofu. So that's the— [pauses, stares]. _WHAT?_

MS: Tofu! It's tofu meatballs!

Everyone but _AB_ laughs.

HS: Joke's on you, Arch! Looks like your 'meat is best' theory is shot clear out of the water!

[fade to credits]

* * *

That's all, folks! I hope you enjoyed my little script. I _may_ write more AItF scripts in the future.


End file.
